Recreating Joy

Celebrating my “best worst life”

“You have the best worst life ever!” my friend, June Cline said recently. I laughed and agreed. We were sitting in my high-rise condo with the great view talking about my work projects and various social activities on the calendar.

Yes, my life took a ‘worse’ turn when tragedy struck and I lost the love of my life to a brain tumor over three years ago. BDD (Before Phil’s Diagnosis and Death) I had a great life plan. We had just moved into our dream home and built an Irish Pub in the basement. Phil was at the top of his game. He liked the company he worked for and was the top sales person in the country. He was on track to retire early and travel. I was in talks with an agent in New York to help market my book. She was already talking to a few publishers and I felt I was “this close” to fulfilling my dream and realizing the benefit of years of preparation and research. I would be an author, traveling to speak and promote my book. Phil would manage the commercial warehouse buildings we owned and we would travel the world. It was a beautiful picture. A wonderful plan. And then it was gone.

ADD (After Phil’s Diagnosis and Death) I was left to figure out a new plan. I had put the book project aside and stopped working in my business to be with him so I had to figure out whether or not to rebuild my business and if so, how. I had to learn to manage the warehouse properties and other investments. I sold our dream house, sorting through memories and discarding dreams along the way. Also I had to build a new social life. Our friends were wonderful but as one friend said, “Phil was the sun the rest of us revolved around.” With him gone, things were not the same. I had to make new friends and find social activities that fit my new situation.

They say the major stressors anyone encounters in life are birth, death, job change, moving and the end of a relationship. If someone had dropped a baby in my lap I would have had a grand slam of life change!

Today I’m happy! I’m in a beautiful high-rise condo with a great view. I’ve refocused my business toward writing and have some interesting clients. I’ve made lots of new friends and built a sense of community around my new home. I’m finally focused clearly on new goals and dreams. No, it wasn’t the life I’d planned. I still miss Phil. I wish he was here and we were working the plan we made together. That’s gone. He’s gone. The life we had is gone. The plans we made together are gone. I’m still here. I had to make a conscious choice to move forward, to let go of what I wanted and accept what is.

When you lose the love of your life it takes time to once again love your life. To find joy again. Today my life looks differently than the one we had. It’s different from the one we planned. It’s still good. Most days I’m pretty happy in my best worse life.