Recreating Joy

Have you started dating since losing your spouse?

Here’s an excerpt from my book, Building A Life You Love After Losing the Love of Your Life about my first date after the loss of my husband.

The Perfect First Date

About two years after Phil passed I had my first date. At least I thought it was a date.

I went to a wine tasting dinner alone and only knew one woman there. She invited me to sit with her and the guy I assumed was her date. He was nice looking, personable, and they had a friendly relationship with lots of playful banter. They’d obviously known each other for a long time. During dinner she told me that he was just a good friend and they did lots of things together. Her actual boyfriend lives out of state.

Weeks later I ran into her again and asked how her man-friend that wasn’t a boyfriend was doing. The next day I got a text from him asking if I’d like to meet for a glass of wine.

We met at a nice restaurant about halfway between my place and his part of town. I was sitting at the bar and had just ordered a glass of wine when he came in. He was smart, fun, and easy to talk to. We sat there chatting and laughing for about an hour then he asked if I had plans or if I’d like to have dinner. I chose dinner. I didn’t care about the food but I wanted more conversation. It was amazing to have attention from someone who looked into my eyes, laughed at my jokes, and appeared to find me fascinating.

We discussed his work, my work, his being divorced, my being widowed, motorcycle riding, arts, and travel. The conversation easily flowed from one subject to another and we had a great deal in common.

“Have you dated much since your husband died?” he asked as dessert arrived.

“Well, that depends. Is this a date?” I joked, assuming that it was.

“No,” he answered, waving his hand as if dismissing the question. “No pressure here. This is just two friends having dinner.”

“In that case,” I laughed, “I haven’t dated at all!”

When the check came I offered to split it. After all it wasn’t a date. He protested saying he’d get it this time and I could treat next time. We walked out and he waited with me for the valet to bring my car. As we said “Good night” he leaned in for a hug and kiss. I turned my cheek and gave him a warm hug. Hey, if it wasn’t even a date a cheek kiss was all he was getting!

It was the perfect first date. But how could that be when he said it wasn’t a date? I went out for drinks and dinner with a guy I’d recently met and he paid. I had a delightful time. With his saying it was “not a date” I didn’t have to stress over whether or not he’d call again. I assumed he wouldn’t. If he did it would be a while, not right away like someone who was really interested in dating me. With his saying I could treat next time, I assumed that if I wanted to invite him to accompany me to an event or to meet for dinner that he’d be open to that. No stress. No pressure. Exactly what I needed.

So what happened? A few months later I invited him to go with me to a charity event. He seemed genuinely happy that I called and we had a great time. I introduced him to another female friend that I thought he’d enjoy meeting. The three of us went to dinner a couple times. As I got to know him better I could easily see that we were not compatible as a couple. The memory remains as a perfect first date. Getting over that “first” made me feel confident that I could date.

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What about you? Have you started dating since your loss? Are you in a relationship? I’d love to hear your story and/or comments.

 NOTE: This post is an excerpt from my memoir, Building A Life You Love After Losing the Love of Your Life. It’s available on Amazon.com. If you’d like a signed copy you can contact me at Myra@MyraMcElhaney.com